I've ((obviously)) been struggling the past few weeks. My depression came back and flattened me like a truck, and as soon as that happened I got super sick. I've been pretty out of it for around a week and a half, meaning i haven't done half the school work i need to. This means I am failing three of my classes.... joy. It's just stressing me out because I can't help having the issues I do??? Anyways, here's a rant I wrote in ten minutes to my irl friends about crap:
' Fuck I just need to vent so here I go. Being a dramatic attention-seeking shit because I realized that's what I am. That's literally the only reason I talk. To get people to sympathise or talk or actually look at me. I'm not the first choice so I make myself one. I have an alter that tells me I'm worthless and that I can't do anything right, while at the same time breaking the fourth wall and giving me visions that I can't tell if I'm going insane or if they're real. Not being able to do any work at home. At all. Ever. Sitting there at the desk and staring at it until I give up and go back to the internet. Some fucked up part of my brain sees it as so much less important than relaxing and chilling out and numbing myself to the world. I can't even feed myself unless there are people around or I'm reminded to. I am a freeloader who only does the work in a project if I work alone or with people who really don't understand anything. I lie, to everyone. I put on the brave, outgoing, cheerful and crazy face of everyday life when I don't know what it feels like to be happy. I only know sadness and anger and betrayal and loss and most recently, love. No empathy, no sympathy. Not even for my sister. I laugh when she gets really hurt and has to actually go to the doctor. Another trait of being fucked up, eh? I don't even know what I want to do with my life tomorrow, if I will get out of bed, or shower, or eat. Oh, and I really don't want to eat. It seems really unappetizing at the moment, and I might actually be able to control something in my life! Isn't that great! Not knowing whether someone actually likes you or if they pity you and only keep you around because you're weird and funny. When you don't know if your death would effect anything other than family. When you can't even think about things without Gavin butting in and saying how stupid and annoying you are being, even if it's a true fact that you are saying. Not being able to stop yourself from butting into conversations.
Here I am, waiting for someone to reply even though I explicitly said not to. I really sound like those kids people stereotype as 'attention-seeking kids with a fake mental illness,' even though I was diagnosed and hospitalized. It goes right over my head. I am a leech. Living off of everyone else and being broken when I'm cast off. I used to be strong. Everyone wanted to be my friend instead of me trying to get someone to aknowledge me. Crazy, right? Considering how much of a piece of shit I am. Crazy world. I was the one everyone looked up to in middle and elementary school, and now I'm the omega of the pack. The runt of the litter. The ugly duckling ((who will not grow to become beautiful)). I don't know why I'm even thinking these things. They're just coming out of my head and they need to leave me alone. Perhaps that's why I'm venting.
I don't see how I have any 'friends' at this point. I look horrid, I way too loud and annoying, and I just cling to people as if my life depended on it- scratch that, I could throw my life away easily. I cling to people as if it was the only thing that would keep them from fading away like dying stars or fireflies in the dawn sun. Oh, look at me being poetic and shit. A useless thing I've picked up from school that doesn't help me get my work done or destress or think critically. Yeezus, I sound like a sad sack of shit.
Funny how I wrote all of that instead of trying to sleep like my body is telling me to do. Being sick fucking sucks. I am on at least five different medications at this point and even benadryl isn't making me drowsy. It isn't that my mind is active, it just won't sleep. That's a sudden shift from the past few days nnwere i went to bed early and got up late. Why even did I have to exist? I don't even know if I've helped a person get over something. Like really, truly get over it. Fuck.
I should stop
But here goes my mind again
telling me not to
saying the only way is to lock up my phone
this is bs
im done for now
So... As of right now, my plan is to go home, blast pierce the veil, sleeping with sirens, and bring me the horizon. Then if i don't feel better, changing the passwords on all my shit and attempting because fuck man.